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Monthly Archives: December 2009

A year…

A year ago, I was bored on FB chat. A friend of mine (Ice) was also online, we begin to chat and randomly I decided to suggest that we cease communication for a year. I was half joking, wanting to see her response but yet also wondering if I could go that long. She replied “ok”. She really didn’t seem fazed by the prospect of not speaking to me.  That was the simple start to a year of silence.

I was so caught up in my own life; I really didn’t miss or notice her absence in my life. Of course, I thought about her occasionally when certain things reminded me of her, but for the most part I was ok. The first couple months of the year I was consciously separating myself from a lot of people. I deleted hundreds of Facebook “friends” before eventually deactivated the whole account. In short -I was doing me. A mutual associate contacted me around March, to discuss my absence from the world and to tell me she had worked with Ice on a project.  She had asked Ice about me and was surprised that Ice didn’t know what was going on with me. She asked me what the deal was between me Ice, I told her me and Ice was still cool just not really talking now, but that’s my homie and I’m down for her.

Around April I begin to really regret the suggestion to stop talking to her for a year. Simply put I missed my friend. So I called her, no response. FB her, no response. Sent her a MySpace message, no response. Called her boyfriend, no response. Then I begin to realize my arrogance. Who was I to stop talking to someone and then expect them to be receptive to talking back with me whenever I was ready? I desired to talk to her and explain things to her. I never got that chance. I sent her a message for her birthday, she thanked me. But other than that all my attempts to contact her were ignored.

I knew her friendship was important to me but not having her in my life really made that evident. When I think about the reason I could have made that suggestion to stop communicating with her it really comes down to me not living my truth. I wasn’t being honest with one of my best friends about who I was and my relationship with her suffered immensely. I was so afraid if she really knew who I was she wouldn’t want to be in my life anymore. So instead I allowed my insecurities and fears to push her away. Believing if I could live without her for a year, then her friendship really didn’t mean much to me.

Well she has been able to go a full year with no contact. I doubt if my friendship meant the same to her as hers meant to me. A lot changes in a year, we change a lot in a year. I will never be able to get back the phone calls, the visits, the texts and how our friendship would have developed over that year. Her life has changed significantly since we last spoke, and so have mine. We have probably moved to a space where it would be difficult to regain the friendship we had. I will just take this as a lesson learned, and cherish the memories of being her friend.  I do love her as a person and wish her the best in life; I have no regrets.

Be careful what you wish for it just might happen. I’m learning to love and claim my truth.

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2009 in Learning bout Tab!, Randomness

 

The Greatest

If he is better.

So much better…

Then I am the best!

If he never could had made it without you…

I never would have been without you

Break me.

You could try.

Break down.

Shit, I tried.

But here I stand

Head never bowed

Just as proud.

Knowing that everything is a lesson.

And Grace should be my middle name.

Cause I should’ve

Cause I could’ve

But Thank God I didn’t

Strength, courage and wisdom,

It’s all I know.

It’s what I am.

I’m over my fears

Cleansed my soul through nights and days filled with tears

No one ever tells you

Freedom is never free

Paid the cost

Through friendships, lovers, dreams, desires, faith, and family

For the privilege to wear this smile

Love has transformed me.

It sustained me during my lowest point.

Soothing my pain and allowing for my change.

Glad I know my worth

I won’t settle for part                            when I deserve it all.

I let them talk

Speculate

Cause I know the truth.

Who I am.

Don’t gotta explain to no one

Prove to anyone.

Let it be known

That above all things

And under all the lies

I am a child of God

And that makes me

THE GREATEST.

 
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Posted by on December 21, 2009 in Learning bout Tab!, Poetry