It’s Saturday night and I am home alone, just like I was on Friday night. Got invited out by a couple of people, all of which I declined. I left the house today for bread and to walk the dog. I don’t answer my phone. Half the time I turn it off. People keep inviting over for Thanksgiving…I keep declining.
I was thinking…If I could hang out with anyone in Maricopa County today- who would I choose? I realized there would be no one I would choose, there is no one in this county I really care to see or spend time with. There was a time that the answer to this would have been so easy. I would have chosen her with little or no thought. I would have sacrificed sleep just to have talked to her. Gotten out of my bed just to spend 10 minutes with her. Changed my whole day just to see her face. But now…not so much. Honestly, I am debating if I ever want to see her again. It’s not that she has done anything so wrong. I guess I just feel like a kid who believed in Santa Claus with all their heart just to find out there is no North Pole with elves making gifts. That it is just a story they tell children. There is no old man sliding in to chimneys giving gifts to all the good boys and girls. Thankfully, I never believed in Santa Claus, but I did believe in the tale of a forever friend and I know the feeling of someone not being as great and wonderful as you believed them to be to find out what everyone was telling you was a lie. Or maybe this forever friend does exist and I just need to find fault with “friends” to push them away before they leave.
Honestly, I feel sorry for any of you who believe we are friends. I been without heart for a long time. Sooner or later you will figure out this “closeness” you think you have to me is about as real as Santa Claus.