Is there anyone that you didn’t treat quite right?
My memory of how it started is similar to my memories of almost all of my relationships.
It just happened. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t even know she was interested in me. Things that I am still saying to this day.
I am a charmer and I am a flirt. Most days I am doing both without even realizing. On our last day of class together, I started to think that maybe she was flirting with me. When I saved her number in my phone, I wasn’t entirely sure what her name was. I never paid that much attention to my classmates. I invited her out to a party, turns out she was crushing on me all semester. I was curious about her, one thing made her different from all the other straight girls that have been interested in me. Conversations about our differences led to dating. Of course, I convinced myself that we were not dating. Yet, I treated her like we were. I took her on dates, brought her gifts, etc. So despite me verbalizing that I could never see us together. That difference of hers- was something I had no interest of dealing with in a relationship. I put all kinds of stipulations on our interactions. Not sleeping over. Not being friends on Facebook. Or holding hands in public. Things that were ridiculous and expressed more about my discomfort with who I was than the value of this woman. Looking back, I can see how amazing she was and my inability to accept it. I allowed her to love me in a way I had no interest in returning. At times, I used her as a boost to my fragile ego. We all want to be wanted, but I was doing it at the expense of someone’s heart and emotions. My actions were the epitome of selfishness and immaturity, even though I told myself it was her choice to engage with me.
The situation helped me understand the importance of intentionality and being intentional about love. A lesson I am still learning. In any and all relationships, it is important to be conscious about how you envision that person in your life. To be purposeful about the energy you carry with you. But to also be knowledgeable of what the other person’s intentions are. As a person that just like things to play out (with relationships- I like planning and order in other aspects of my life) this has been hard for me. I am getting too old to continue saying things like “It just happened,” things don’t just happen- we allow them to.
Today’s post is really a reminder to myself about my past failures in the hopes that I will continue to do better in the future. I am grateful for experiences that challenge me to grow. I don’t have to be trifling my whole life…